So yah. I have found being stuck at random travel locations as a good time to actually write in my blog. Go figure. I am currently stuck at the airport in Rochester on Christmas Eve. My plane is running late so now I am not going to get back until late. I guess that is the only thing that has gone wrong so far today. Although this trip has just started so there are a lot of things that could yet go wrong. Plus I don’t think I am going to make it back in time for Christmas Even dinner. Honestly I don’t really care that much but everyone else is all upset about it. I don’t see it as a big deal but I guess it would be better to actually get there on time just to make everyone else happy. Oh, and my shoulder is hurting really really badly which sux. I am currently in this cool little business center thing at the airport tho. It’s pretty nice cuz I can sit here and be on my laptop and basically just hang out and relax for a while as I wait for my plane. I was getting really stressed as I came here. I am having to be really careful with my anxiety level lately.

I guess I should write a random update of my life considering that I haven’t actually done that in literally forever. I am not going to try to write my life store or any type of overall recap I guess just what has been going on lately. Pretty much at the moment I am not sure what is going on with my life. I tried going to a shrink at RIT and at first I hated it but I went. Then as it went on I started to trust her. I actually wanted to go each week which is an amazing thing for me. However, being an absolutely idiot I decided to actually tell the truth, as in way more then I should have said. I told her about having suicidal tendencies and how it is pretty much always a part of my life. I also told her about the choking myself. That was a bad thing to do cuz apparently everyone got all freaked out about that one. Anyways, as I was getting ready to go on break everyone there was getting all concerned and crap about me hurting myself while I go home. So they decided that they were going to go call my mom. Like I went in there for my normal session thing and she said that I had to have a meeting with her boss. I honestly didn’t want to but she said that it was just policy because she was getting concerned about me. It’s not like there was anything that I could do. So her boss came in and basically said that she was going to call my mom. I wanted to scream at her. She asked my opinion but it’s not like she cared about what I thought.

Well it looks like my entry about my life didn’t get very far cuz I got sick and had to leave the business center. Now I feel horrible. I did manage to sleep a little bit on the plane. I am in Philadelphia at the moment waiting for another plane. Usually I can’t sleep on planes but I am about to pass out at the moment. It’s not like I don’t have enough to add to everything. I probably shouldn’t have attempted to eat this morning. Actually I am hungry but I feel like I am going to throw up so I don’t think I am going to even try to eat.

Anyways, I guess back to my story of what is going on in my life. So the shrink lady called my mom about me. Well her boss did. Despite me repeatedly telling them that they were just making my life worse. She decided that it wasn’t good for me to go home with such a big secret. That made me want to scream at her. It is my secret. It is my life. I have lived for years with this secret and I don’t need her to tell the world for me. So yah, after that I was pretty much just pissed at the world. I had to see the psychologist the next day and I almost didn’t go but I would get fined $50 by the health center if I didn’t show up so I did. He actually wasn’t that bad. He didn’t know about what happened. He actually was really understanding about me never wanting to see the shrink ever again, but also said that legally he couldn’t give me meds if I stopped. I guess I was happy with how he reacted because he gave me the reality of the situation but threat me like some stupid child for my decisions. So now I have drugs for like the next month and then I run out and probably go through serious withdraw. I was originally going to just stop abruptly so I could kill myself but now I figure I will wait out the month. I don’t think I will make it through stopping the medications that I am taking tho I don’t care all that much at this point. The stupid lady that decided to call my mom pretty much gave me a death sentence when she did. I knew that and I tried to convey that but my opinion didn’t really matter. I have to figure that out. I guess I am trying to be less irrational and just stopping everything without saying anything but I still don’t want to go back. They betrayed my trust. I expected this to happen from the very beginning but was stupid and had some blind hope that maybe it would be different this time. I don’t even know why I went there in the first place. For some reason I feel the need to randomly reach for blind hope. I try for stupid things that I know won’t work and always seem to regret them in the long run. Now I am even less stable, less independent, and I have the issue that I am taking meds and probably wont’ survive the withdrawal from them.

Anyways, I am hoping that my next plane will get here soon so that I can get going so I guess I should turn my laptop off. That is a random travel update of what is going on in my life. Plus it is probably good to have it down just for people to know why I did it. Actually this kinda blames the lady at the counseling center for my death. Whatever. She gave me the death sentence, I must live it out. I generally try to avoid people feeling blame as much as possible but I am kinda at the point that I don’t really care. I let myself believe that I had a chance however slim it may have been. I let myself be weak and now I have to suffer. *sigh* It’s life. You would think that I would learn from idiotic mistakes but somehow that blind hope creeps in every once in a while. It’s ok, my hope, however blind, has now been crushed and my life can come to it’s horrible end as I have expected for years.